By Ima Nutt
January 32, 2017 11:00 MSK
WASHINGTON -- In a stunning move early Wednesday morning, U.S. President Donald “Just Watch Me” Trump signed an executive order banning handgun sales within the United States for a period of 90 days, effective immediately. The ban would extend to 120 days on sales to Democrats on the basis that any Democrat who would attempt to purchase a gun must be insane.
During a press briefing, White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer cited recent mass-shootings in defending President Trump’s executive order.
“I don’t think you have to look any further than the families who lost loved ones in shootings at schools, movie theaters, nightclubs, and other venues, to ask that we can go further in protecting the country”, Spicer said. “This handgun ban also has the additional benefit of preventing any terrorists who gained entry to the U.S. prior to last week’s ban on immigration from acquiring firearms during this period while we examine all options available for a more permanent solution.”
When asked if Trump was worried about objections from his core supporters, Spicer replied, “Of course not. Our supporters are behind us 100% no matter what actions we take. The record-setting attendance at the inauguration last week was proof of that. Besides, they wholeheartedly supported our ban on immigrants because of an imagined threat from seven countries that have had no ties to terrorists acts here in the US, How could they possibly object to a ban on something that already kills 30,000 Americans each year?”
When asked to comment on the order, National Rifle Association spokesperson Chris P. Bacon stated, “Of course we support every action President Trump takes, because only he can fix our problems and can do no wrong. This order is a perfect example of how he will protect all [looking at paper] Wait. What the f***?” [Interview ended abruptly]
Benjamin “Ben” Dover, spokesperson for the American Civil Liberties Union, immediately condemned the order as a blatant violation of the U.S. Constitution, and vowed to file for an immediate injunction in Federal Court this morning to prevent its enforcement. “It’s every American’s rights to own a firearm, as stated in the Constitution and recently upheld by the U.S. Supreme Court in the Heller decision,” said Dover.
The New York Times, Washington Post, and CNN posted editorials praising the President's action. Trump immediately tweeted, “More FAKE NEWS! CNN, NY Times, and Washington Post are failing fast. SAD.” Two minutes later, after his staff read the editorials to him, Trump followed up with this tweet: “HUGE endorsements by the greatest news sites in the world: CNN, Washington Post, and NY Times.”
Finally, as a former President and victim of gun violence, Abraham Lincoln offered this piece of advice, “Relax people. Remember, you can’t always believe everything you read on the Internet, especially #TrumpSatire.”
Ima Nutt is a fictional satirist who has written millions of
articles illustrating absurdities throughout our society. She resides in the deepest recesses of this bloggers mind, a truly dark and scary place.
